I like old people

So, I like old people. Really. I just don't think they should be heading up the emergency response efforts of our police force. Last week Mariah and I took the kids to the zoo and had a fabulous time. The experience I had after the zoo, left me exhausted and cynical. (Ok I was already cynical, I know). But that is why it has taken me a week to write about it. So of course my children finish the day out by both having blow-outs and the bathroom at the zoo didn't have a change table(something i am ready to start lobbying to congress should be on the building inspection list and mandated by law in every public restroom because really, who should have to change a poopy diaper on their lap?) so i was rushing to the car to change them. It is not a rare occurrence to have to change a diaper on the front passenger seat of the car. This was especially irritating though because it was really hot, they were really hungry and it was both of them. So, I leave Isaac next to me in the stroller while I change Micahlyn real quick then stand her up on the floor while it's his turn. She loves to play with the nobs to the radio(yes nobs- it's an old car) so she is content, while i change him and then lift him out to go to the back seat to put him in his car seat(matter of seconds really). As i am closing the back passenger door- with Isaac all strapped in, I had one of those slow-mo experiences where i saw what was happening in time but couldn't yell quickly enough to stop it. Micahlyn had her hand on the lock to help herself out(which locks the whole car) she hopped down and slammed the door behind her- so proud that she had done it all herself. I was literally 2 feet away- but 2 feet, too far. So there we were, proud little girl, baby locked in a parked car with my keys, diaper bag and of course, my phone.

Luckily(and this was the only lucky thing that happened to me that day), Mariah hadn't left yet so we used her phone to call 911. Now I know that this is the number you call for emergencies- they say that right when they answer the phone. How long would you expect to wait for a police officer? 5, 10 minutes? well they said they had 2 patrol cars in the area so someone would be there soon, but after watching Isaac scream and pant for over 10, we called back. They assured us that help was on the way- I was already searching the bushes for a sharp rock. after 17 minutes 2 patrol cars pulled into the parking lot. no lights or sirens, mind you, so i was already lit. The first cop steps out of the car and i kid you not, this man was too old to drive, let alone rescue anyone. In a slow backwoods drawl resonate of Gomer Pile, he says, "we're gonna try the slim-jims for a while and if that doesn't work, we'll discuss our options". I knew 2 things instantly, 1- these men were not going to be able to open my car and 2-these men knew that they were not going to be able to open my car. I told myself I'd give them 2 minutes. He and his friend from the geriatric ward went at my car on both front doors with their slim jims. Utah apparently not only employs the oldest police officers in the world, they also can't afford to give them training on their fancy dancy gadgetry. Both spent their 2 minutes jamming the slim jims up and down the window shaft as fast as their feeble little hands would let them, while constantly yanking on the door handles. Now, I'm no professional car thief, but i have seen Gone in 60 seconds and I'm pretty sure that Angelina Jolie never looked like she was having a seizure while trying to unlock a car. Also- to add to the situation, by now I had noticed that the air- conditioning( which had been comforting me to know that it was running) was actually on heat, another little treat from Micahlyn. At this point the officer actually suggested that we call a lock smith. I wasn't sure he really understood that this was not a drill and that an actual child was inside the car. So I was done slowly watching my child die. I told them that I would imagine that they had some kind of tool for breaking windows but that if they did not I was perfectly willing to use one of their heads- no I'm kidding, a rock(same difference) to break a window. one guy goes to his car to get a tool and the other one goes back to his car and gets in the air-conditioning and shuts his door, obviously exhausted from the over-exertion. Mr helpful number 1 returns with a little hammer, takes it out of the packaging and lays it on the trunk while he proceeds to read the instructions. "I'm pretty sure you hit the pointy metal end against the glass!" come on, we all have our breaking points. up until now, all of my sarcastic rude thoughts had been kept strictly to the confines of my judgemental mind. but this was ridiculous. Homeboy took at least 10 whacks to crack the window and then stood back like, "well what now?" I grabbed Micahlyn's blanket and wrapped it around my fist while I Rocky style punched out the window and reached in to unlock the door. I flung the door open, half hoping to hit the cop who was still observing. I climbed across the seat and pulled Isaac out and rushed over to Mariah's car where the air-conditioning was going full blast, ripped his clothes off of his poor little over-heated body and he started inhaling water like nobody's business. After 5 minutes or so, the officer who had been napping through the second half of the ordeal, came over and asked if we needed them to call for an ambulance. What I was thinking-"Seriously, no, seriously?-because if we had needed an ambulance, my child would be dead by now." What I said- " No no, I think we're fine".

I held my baby for a while and thankfully, he was fine. I left so angry. Angry at Micahlyn for the heat and locking the car, Angry at myself for leaving her in the front seat. Obviously angry at the police officers who should have been playing chess in a park somewhere. I was angry at the state of Utah for not only employing them but for not having a proper retirement plan in place for them. I was angry at Jonathan for going back to school- which meant we can no longer afford my Tahoe, which had i been driving i could have called On-Star and unlocked the car in a matter of seconds(I'm evil, I know-this one isn't even remotely logical, but this is how my mind works when I'm angry-poor Jonathan) and last but not least, I was angry at the Hogle Zoo for not having a changing table in the darn bathroom.

just a side-note, i got a flat tire on the way home and 3 cops passed me while i was changing it on the side of the freeway. Also the window cost almost $400 to get fixed. Good story or what? Pictures of my naked baby and his sister zonked out on ride home in the slide show below.